i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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