You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
