Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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