please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
