We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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