My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
