Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
