Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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