So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
