suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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