Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
