he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
