We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
