Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She just used a chaser for red wine.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
