Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Randomize
