i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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