I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
