Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
