I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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