She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
i think i just lost a toe
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
