i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
