I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Sext me about skeletons
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
