my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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