It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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