thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We left the knife in your bed.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
