when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
