my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
