literally had 100 drinks last night.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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