My room smells like vodka and shame
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I'm really busy with my period
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