her vagine was all disorganized.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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