if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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