i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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