Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
