Three words: puerto rican gang bang
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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