Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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