my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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