I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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