I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
