I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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