Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Is Oprah even human
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
