yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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