So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you will always have a special place in my vag
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Let's get the cat blown out
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
