we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
