after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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