Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
In America we eat man semen.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
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