I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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