Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
