i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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