His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
