No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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