The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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