After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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